you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
