Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Are my feet made of real feet?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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