he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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