i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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