I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
