Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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