I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
