you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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