i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
