After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
