I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
