I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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