turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
