i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
