Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
