Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
