At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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