I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
