So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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