I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i've created a new STD.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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