I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
