I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's not a walk of shame if you run
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
