My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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