I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
