Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
