Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
