Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
