how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
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