I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
