A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
