If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
