I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
