Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
