At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
