This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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