im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
