some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
