Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Randomize
