a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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