jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
as a side note pls kill me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
