I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
