Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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