There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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