I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
