someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
