Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
