I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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