If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
