my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
