our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
