he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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