Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
